1. Showgirls. Starring the desparate-to-break-out-of-her-goody-twoshoes-reputation Elizabeth Berkeley. If you haven't seen it, DO NOT rent it. Instead, watch the version they show repeatedly on TBS. This movie is so completely awful that it's almost achingly beautiful. But the version on TV puts it over the top. The parts where Elizabeth shows her, um, talents, have fantastic, added-for-television underwear painted onto the film, which doesn't quite move with her. If you can catch it during early primetime, it also has the bad words dubbed over with less offensive material. My favorite is when Elizabeth gets livid and shouts out something that sounds like "Forget you!" but doesn't look like it, in an obviously male voice. This movie should have also won the award for most chemicals used in one film for all the silicone, saline, peroxide, and acrylic involved.
2. The Usual Suspects minus the last 5 seconds. Now hear me out before you gasp and write me off. The Usual Suspects was the worst movie I had ever seen until that last shot. You know the one I'm talking about. I'm not going to ruin it, but the 4 people on earth who haven't seen this movie should run, not walk, to rent it. If you can make it through the absolute torture of the first two hours, I guarantee that the climax (disguised as denouement) will make this movie worth your while. I watched this movie because a friend (male type, with very pretty eyes) brought it over and insisted that I watch it. I had decided that I hated him and his movie after two hours of watching a boat blow up, until Kevin Spacey pulled this movie out of the crap bucket and into my list of favorites. Kevin Spacey is a god, who leaves me speechless. So, The Usual Suspects MINUS the last 5 seconds is one of the worst movies of all time.
3. Swept Away. Madonna, go back to singing. This crapfest stars Madonna as herself, a rich society snob who looks down on everyone who admires her. And yet she manages to be unconvincing. Her stilted and awkward performance is only amplified by the fact that much of the movie takes place on a deserted island, during which she bears half the burden of carrying a script made up of longing glances and simpering pouts. It doesn't even have a happy ending.
4. Uptown Girls. I went to see this groaner at a premiere to which I had free tickets. Everyone in the theater had free tickets. And we still wanted our money back. Half the theater left halfway through the movie (and I use the word "movie" lightly here). Brittany Murphy has all the charm of a snot-filled Kleenex, and Dakota Fanning throwing a fit in her screechy little voice and then trying to be endearing made me want to hurl. The fourteen subplots which I really didn't care about, involving characters I never got invested in, only made this waste of time more complex, not more interesting.
5. Xanadu. This movie should only be watched while under the influence. Suffice it to say that this movie single-handedly killed the roller disco era (for which we can thank it) and the musical (for which I take umbrage) in one fell swoop.
6. The English Patient. Starring: sand. Enough said.
7. Friday Night Lights. Now I don't like football. But I have been known to tear up pretty heavily at a football movie. See the great "Rudy" debacle of 1999. FNL left my eyes completely dry. This is inexcusable in a sports movie.
8. Autumn in New York. This movie made me never want to visit New York, in Autumn or any other season. If you make a movie about a terminally ill woman and everyone in the theater is relieved when she dies because the movie may (finally) be over, you have made a flop.
9. Lost in Translation. This is one of those movies that accidently becomes an Oscar contender because of the 20 Minute Rule. The 20 Minute Rule states that if there is less than 20 total minutes of actual dialogue stretched into a two hour movie, someone is going to assume that it was over their head and therefore intellectually brilliant, and it will be nominated for an Oscar simply by virtue of the fact that it was MIND-NUMBINGLY BORING.
10. Lord of the Rings. I know that half of you are going to hate me for this, but there are six hours missing from my life that I want back. I made the mistake of having a break-up right after LOTR came out in the theater. This means that I had to watch it (read: try to sleep through it, in the five minutes of quiet) once in the theater, and then I broke up with one guy and stupidly started dating another right before it came out on DVD. I have slept through this movie twice now. And I have still failed to find a plot worthy of stretching through three separate movies. I know, I know. It's a classic. But wouldn't you rather read it? Or Pilgrim's Progress, which has the same plot, or Stand By Me, which is also the same plot, but with the added subtleties of Stephen King? Okay, okay, I take it back. Calm down. LOTR is great. Whatever. It's a masterpiece. Get your jockeys out of a wad.
Please keep in mind that this is the opinion of the girl who thought I Heart Huckabees was brilliant (and that was a two-hour lecture on existentialism, alienation and dismantling). If you don't agree, that's okay. I'd still like to hear your opinion.
So there you have it. What would be on your list?
