I was watching CNN last night and they did a whole story on Paris Hilton’s cell phone debacle. For those of you who (whom? Please don’t write and tell me which one goes here – people who (whom?) know the correct usage make me nervous) have been living under a rock lately, someone (who shall remain nameless – NATHAN) hacked into Paris’s T-Mobile and stole her phone number list. So all these famous people (most of whom would have to be boiled before you could touch them) are getting calls from Joe Blow. I love it.
But really, is it CNN-worthy? Come on. Then I realized that I spend a lot of time listening to trash about silly people. Do I really care that Paris and Britney are having an argument over whose dog is cuter? Do I really care that Jennifer Aniston is on the raw food diet again, thereby distancing herself from the Zone diet-loving Brad (in what other couple would one of them get the diet plan in the divorce?)? Do I really care that Ashlee Simpson’s father caught her in flagrante delicto (one of my favorite phrases from law school) with Ryan Cabrera? I think not. And yet a great portion of my day is taken up with hearing about the lives of these people.
So it occurred to me that there are lots of people I could live without knowing about. I’m NOT saying that I wish these people had never been born, or anything crass like that. I’m simply saying that I could live the rest of my life happily and never hear their names again. So here goes, in no particular order, of course: Maggie’s Top Ten List of PEOPLE I COULD LIVE WITHOUT.
- Paris Hilton. What has she really done that is worthy of notice? Even her catch phrase ("that’s hot") is totally, well, not hot. I have no patience with useless people.
- Michael Jackson. I’m not even going to mention the obvious problems that everyone has with him. Allegations of child abuse completely aside, he makes my life worse. I hear the bass line to Billie Jean every time someone mentions his name (which happens to be A LOT right now). I am consistently proclaiming that Billie Jean is not my lover to anyone who will listen. They seem relieved, until I also explain that the kid is not my son.
- The lady who tells you the number you dialed is busy. When did we do away with the busy signal? When did we stop teaching our kids that sometimes people are already talking on the phone when we call them? When did it become necessary to have someone repeatedly explain that to us? And what the heck is up with this offer to redial the number FOR YOU? When did we as Americans become too lazy to push the redial button?
- Lindsey Lohan’s trashy family. Seriously. Don’t you think there’s enough trashiness in Alabama without having to import some to report on? Come on, people.
- My tenth grade math teacher. I still bear a grudge, and will continue to do so until I actually use the Trigonometry which she PROMISED me would be useful some day.
- Britney Spears. Her pathetic desperation to stay in the spotlight despite a lack of talent depresses me. Let’s go ahead and cut the cord, people. Dragging out her eventual transition to "has-been" status is just cruel.
- Amy Sherman-Palladino. She is NOT - I repeat, NOT - on this list because I dislike her. Rather, she is on this list because she is a complete freakin’ GENIUS – and because my life would be better if I had not recently acquired the Season 2 DVD of the Gilmore Girls series, of which she is the brilliant creator. Counting the 22 – count ‘em, folks…22 – episodes I will watch AGAIN now, plus the added footage and behind-the-scenes fluff, that’s at least 25 hours of my life which will be spent in the world of Stars Hollow. She has two last names because one would not do her justice.
- The old boss. ‘Nuff said. By the way, I now have a new job and am back among the employed and solvent. I’m doing bankruptcies, which I hate. But I love my job because the people are actually (get this) PEOPLE. It really does make a difference who (whom? Dang it!) you work with. With whom you work. With you work whom. Whatever.
- Ronald McDonald. I would be 50 pounds lighter if it were not for his evil Obesity Fries.
- Soledad O’Brien. I know, she is an odd person to dislike. But she’s perfect and beautiful and a super-mom who is a CNN anchor, for God’s sake. And every morning, she gets to sit across a desk from my super-crush, Bill Hemmer. Okay, also an odd person to crush out on. But he totally has that nerd-chic thing going on. I love to hear him talk about terrorism alerts.
There you go, peeps. You’ll be glad to know that none of you are on this list. Not that it would matter much if you were. But now you can sleep tonight, safe in the knowledge that some chick in Alabama who doesn't know you wouldn't think her life is better if she never heard of you. It's the small comforts that make life worthwhile, peeps.
